End of 2025 Rants & Resolutions 😥

2025 felt mature in ways I didn't particularly like. 

I turned 32 which felt like the end of my youth. Dating in your 30s sucks ass. I am in a relationship with a good man but alarmingly lonely at the same time. My anxiety for the future is growing bigger and eating up my productivity. I now have zero chances of being someone's first love. This point onwards I know I'll always be a compromise. I think it has sunk in that my peak romance years are behind me. I wonder if I'm losing my bargaining power due to my age or I'm just too tired to find someone who'll fulfil my basic needs.

My relationship with my job has also undergone a big change as I completed a decade of participation. I dont think I have achieved much after all the relentless working. I wish I had planned about my future when I was younger. But then staying in survival mode made it hard to even imagine a future. Maybe I should have worked outside for a decade and then come back to enjoy the slower pace of life in Nepal with a sack of money. Now I'm tired with an empty sack that drags me behind. 

Life is dull right now. Two of the biggest departments in my life are not performing well. I did get to travel more this year. Two fully sponsored trips gave me temporary happiness. I also did a lot of shopping to sustain it a little longer. 

My resolutions for 2026 are to fix the departments and create a predictable future where I feel safe and progressive.  

P.S. I kept my resolution from last year. Minimal crying in 2025.

A new year's resolution (or wish)!

I think I am allergic to sadness.

I often sulk about having to experience a negative emotion because in all honestly the last thing I want to experience in life is any form or variation of sadness. I’d rather experience being haunted by a ghost than sit in the gloomy overcast of sadness. This is also one of the reasons why I find it risky to depend on someone else that is not me. It is so hard to learn to trust a conscience that is not mine. 

For every negative experience my default setting causes the emotion to momentarily consume me and I react to with a disproportionate amount of sadness. It’s like a bug that infects my positive outlook towards life which I built over many many years.

But when the dust settles (or the tears dry out) the experience almost always teaches me something. It could be a result of my obsession with trying to rationalize and assign meaning to the things I feel. It is the only way I have learned to sew a wound and move on.

It’s the end of 2024 and I have now realized that not every negative emotion is worth consuming and not all negative emotion can lead me to a closure. Yet I am struggling to implement this learning. I want to hold my guards and remain neutral towards the negative feelings that get to me despite my lack of involvement. For example, I do not want to be affected by things that are beyond my control like if another human being deliberately decides to break my trust or says something that sets off my insecurity. I know that I do not need to react to or rationalize things to which I am not privy. I’m still looking for a method or a hack so that I can practice what I preach. 

Anywho may 2025 take my negativity bias away. 

[I'll come back with the title after some reflection]

[*Photo taken by me in Langtang on 28 Oct 2023]

Homeless inside a home

your existence was a burden

to the creators you did not chose

perhaps they were unprepared

or they made a mistake

it feels wrong to put a blame

there is no mitigation

perseverance is your only aid

there were a lot of lows

but your instincts never left

they unconsciously guided you

with some luck

and then there were people 💕

outside the homeless home

their softness shielded you

from the bullies and negativity

different things gave you strength

fear and love were the greatest source

it kept you on your toes

you feared being a monster and a loser

you feared deprivation

and feeling like a burden

to the people that you expected love from

then you got a tattoo of an 'Om'

which translates into constant awareness

that you'd hope one day to learn

then came sceneries that blew your hair

from the beaches to the hills

romance and beautiful scents

twist and turns, gradually moving up

up and up to the summit 

to watch the first ray of the sun

hit the mountain peak

it spreads a smile across your face

and you're sooo thankful for your existence 🙏

Just another thought!

 I want to write something about 'I'd rather be'

and resist the urge to rhyme it with 'flowers and bees'

so here it goes:

............................................................

I'd rather be comfortable than not

be where I'm welcomed with a hug 

that feels warm without exchange of words 

I'd rather not speak when I'm hurt

or dwell on the past too much

I'd rather not make assumptions 

check my expectations before I react 

I'd rather take care of my own needs

maybe learn a new skill

I don't suppose I'll stop daydreaming 

but will minimize it for practicality 

now i want to focus on longevity.

(Photo taken in Patan)

The world is a ball of wool 

Drenched with the same dye

Dripping into a bottomless abyss

Of darkness- made of you and I

Everything is connected

Everything is stored

Our thoughts are getting sold 

But we're deprived of time

And attention and connection

Their meanings were taken away

to be forgotten and replaced 

with emptiness and mould 

The most personal space now exists inside a flat panel

in a thread of a question that spooks you on the internet 

People are so easily accessible but unavailable 

Are these the realities that you need to face?

To tear down the paintings your younger selves made? 

The day I realised even alphabets are man-made 

I started wondering what is originally mine?

And accepted the colour of the wool is grey

Lots of concepts around to play.

 A  D a y  a t  W o r k

2:35 PM- I was reading the same lines of the Act again and again trying everything I possibly can to concentrate and make sense of each of the words. Suddenly a melodious albeit distant voice singing an old Hindi song filled the room. Just a few seconds later another lesser melodious voice accompanied the former voice. It took me few seconds to realize that tune was coming from my colleagues who were seated in the small semi-soundproof glass meeting room behind me. I continued reading the lines in my laptop with a big smile. Little things like these brighten up my days.

Ordinary Serendipity  

You were one of the many people
I was watching by the lakeside
I watched your shoes as you ate a burger
With a Coke you bought in your backpack
What is he doing here? Where is he from?

My heart was closed when you talked to me
Still closed when we chased the sun on your motor-boat-bike
And in the evening when the sea was hitting the rocks...I freaked out
I was scared my heart was going to explode
Like the fire that was blazing in front of us
I was scared my heart might grow out of its cage.

 Estrangement

This is not the first turbulence. They were frequent but temporary when we were younger. Something is not quite the same though. I have strong reasons to believe that it's lack of our abilities to forgive and keep the love alive. Not ruling out other possibilities but I have been thinking about two reasons why this happens.

ONE- we think adults are mentally and emotionally better than kids. That's why an adult can't do silly things. Any flaw in being perfect by an adult is met with consequences, the kind that poisons both ways. The poison has spread so much that I cannot even tell you this. Can you believe that you used to be the first person I used to go to?

TWO- perhaps our relationship caused us more grief than happiness. In that case estrangement is okay, I guess.

You can proclaim every night in the bed- it doesn't matter, i don't care, im not like the needy people around me. That doesn't prevent any amount of pain you continue to feel. The pain which feels like a million knives stabbing not only your heart but your whole existence. Who will truly accept me if not my own? Who can I count to check on me if not my own? It's a dead-end in the world full of humans. Perhaps I should get a pet.

Grace

Beneath the speck of sacred dust,
I drew closer

to find a path folded between time and space

Gentle as a breeze,
not making a sound

I drifted for nine years and a day,
blind as I may

To see my faith, thought I had kill it,
played me a thin game

I had found Grace

I had followed her shadow,
to find her dancing in empty space

With leaves of gold falling all around,
she kept dancing, unflagging her arms

Bless the innocence; the clouds didn't dare to shift in her sky

Yes, I had found Grace

My bones stopped aching at the sight;
but my heart couldn't stop but cry

It's been a long time my child, 

I had failed to read the paleness on your skin

Miserable I was, as you stared dead right into me

I had lost myself, my dear,
tell me why did you lie to me?

Yet so, I didn’t doubt the thought--I thought you were mistaken

Someday, I knew, I would find you

There she was, my Grace,
dancing to the rhythm of silence  

I am deaf and I’m poor,
but child you’re as happy as you could be

I could cut myself open and tear my old soul for you 

But you would take no notice,
for your eyes don’t want to see me  

You won’t defend the devil you saw unbroken in me

Let pass an eternity,
I would fill my lungs with the air you softly brush

I would desert my all and kill every urge to take you back 

Home now reminds me of nothing 
but the distasteful smell of ashes in the rain

You have carried me from a different time,
to discover the greatest treasure of living

But the most heartbreaking thing of all, my little Grace,
is that you have not known anything of me.

Untitled

How far can I see?

I lay the coffee down in front of me

Let the haze grasp the moment

And watch through,

I watch it draw its way into a cloud, thickening before me

Then sigh a little laughter,

Today my boy, the shade won’t deceive me

How far can I see?          

I let my eyes wander the streets

Search for the days that don’t know me

And look up,

I look up to the face of the brilliant blue

Feel the untamed wind approach and beat against my chest

Pardon me my friend, but this cold will no longer freeze me 

Melting Colours

I’m melting colours,

These colours, they speak

In the unspoken hours

To a spirit so weak

I’m melting colours

These colours, they travel

The farthest of all lands

To a house upon the gravel

I’m melting colours

These colours, they reach

Lives beyond the spell

Meanings the pages don’t teach

I’m melting colours

These colours, they crown

Mystic features of a shapeless man 

Amid the blend is where I finally drown

Untitled

[Pratikshya comment, 29 July 2024- this one was originally titled 'Despondent Soul' which I later changed to Untitled to make it sound less melancholy.]

With a weary smile and nowhere to run

You hide until the sun is gone

Whispers and prayers and invites for the sleep

For you are real, never, but in your dreams

And colors of life

And colors of bliss

Before long, they stay for a while

       For with the first light, begins your night

Then cover your soul and disappear in vain

Perhaps the sun will go down again