A new year's resolution (or wish)!

I think I am allergic to sadness.

I often sulk about having to experience a negative emotion because in all honestly the last thing I want to experience in life is any form or variation of sadness. I’d rather experience being haunted by a ghost than sit in the gloomy overcast of sadness. This is also one of the reasons why I find it risky to depend on someone else that is not me. It is so hard to learn to trust a conscience that is not mine. 

For every negative experience my default setting causes the emotion to momentarily consume me and I react to with a disproportionate amount of sadness. It’s like a bug that infects my positive outlook towards life which I built over many many years.

But when the dust settles (or the tears dry out) the experience almost always teaches me something. It could be a result of my obsession with trying to rationalize and assign meaning to the things I feel. It is the only way I have learned to sew a wound and move on.

It’s the end of 2024 and I have now realized that not every negative emotion is worth consuming and not all negative emotion can lead me to a closure. Yet I am struggling to implement this learning. I want to hold my guards and remain neutral towards the negative feelings that get to me despite my lack of involvement. For example, I do not want to be affected by things that are beyond my control like if another human being deliberately decides to break my trust or says something that sets off my insecurity. I know that I do not need to react to or rationalize things to which I am not privy. I’m still looking for a method or a hack so that I can practice what I preach. 

Anywho may 2025 take my negativity bias away. 

[I'll come back with the title after some reflection]

[*Photo taken by me in Langtang on 28 Oct 2023]

Homeless inside a home

your existence was a burden

to the creators you did not chose

perhaps they were unprepared

or they made a mistake

it feels wrong to put a blame

there is no mitigation

perseverance is your only aid

there were a lot of lows

but your instincts never left

they unconsciously guided you

with some luck

and then there were people 💕

outside the homeless home

their softness shielded you

from the bullies and negativity

different things gave you strength

fear and love were the greatest source

it kept you on your toes

you feared being a monster and a loser

you feared deprivation

and feeling like a burden

to the people that you expected love from

then you got a tattoo of an 'Om'

which translates into constant awareness

that you'd hope one day to learn

then came sceneries that blew your hair

from the beaches to the hills

romance and beautiful scents

twist and turns, gradually moving up

up and up to the summit 

to watch the first ray of the sun

hit the mountain peak

it spreads a smile across your face

and you're sooo thankful for your existence 🙏

Just another thought!

 I want to write something about 'I'd rather be'

and resist the urge to rhyme it with 'flowers and bees'

so here it goes:

............................................................

I'd rather be comfortable than not

be where I'm welcomed with a hug 

that feels warm without exchange of words 

I'd rather not speak when I'm hurt

or dwell on the past too much

I'd rather not make assumptions 

check my expectations before I react 

I'd rather take care of my own needs

maybe learn a new skill

I don't suppose I'll stop daydreaming 

but will minimize it for practicality 

now i want to focus on longevity.